• A heart motive is “I want to be God by _______.”
  
• Respect-Me and Like-Me are wide heart motives: they want everyone to respect them or like them. Perfect-Me and Love-Me are narrow heart motives. Love-Me want to be loved by a few. Perfect-Me want to be approved by their own standards (basically, approved by themselves).
• Our emotions are controlled by our thoughts. So if you are always thinking about how you were wronged, then of course you will feel hurt and angry.
• If we are truly hurt, the other person is responsible for the sin, but we are responsible for our reaction. Our heart motive determines our reaction
• Powerful emotions reveal our heart
  
• If you are failing, then escapism is always a temptation (because you don’t feel like you are failing)
  
• Our memories tend to be related to our heart motives. If we have a memory, that is probably why.
• Our minor is the strategy we use to feed our heart motive (e.g. a Perfect-Me might have a Respect-Me minor because if they are respected they can teach more)
• “Glory”
• Old Testament: who you are
• New Testament: what you do
• Insanity/mental illness: Pastor Min’s theory is that if what you have been trusting to feed your heart motive fails you, you can go insane.
• Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages
• Claims that we have a need to be loved, which is incorrect. We have a commandment to love, and a capacity/desire to be loved, but we cannot demand it.
• Misses the visual aspect; some people view facial expressions as important
• Gifts/service are a means to the end; Love Me Time people would give gifts about memories, for instance
• How to repent and redeem:
  
• What is the wrong behavior?
• What is the wrong desire?
• What is my wrong thinking?
• What is my wrong faith?
  
• What is my wrong purpose in life?
• Why am I feeling this way? (??)
  
• Faith
• ??
  

Perfect Me

• http://www.cfchome.org/resources/heart-motives-perfect-me
• Adj: “deep”
  
• Characteristics
• Driven by principles, standards, picture of how it ought to be
• Always wanting to learn
  
• Desire to improve to meet the standards
• Note: the desire to improve is universal, the question is why do we want to improve.
• Become bored if not learning, not improving. Tend to get bored with routine.
• Tend to have a lot of hobbies
• Welcome correction or rebuke (just don’t violate their standard of how to do it)
• “Obey me:" everyone is under the same rules; their kingdom rules by their rules
• Therefore, critical of themselves and other people
• If you want to teach me or learn from me, come here; otherwise, don’t bother.
• Eating is out of necessity so you can continue to do what you are doing
• Hierarchy of principles
• Similar to Love Me, except the the Chosen Ones are principles, not people.
• Not all principles are equal. Presumably there is a Chosen Principle.
• You can tell which principles are higher in the hierarchy by the intensity in emotion
• Principles can change, but it is difficult
  
• Two types of Perfect Me:
• Purpose: be glorified by what they do
• Might not be nice (can cheat and lie), because the purpose is most important
• Examples: building God’s Kingdom, a good family, etc.
  
• Character: be glorified by who we are
• These are nice, not what is seen as a typical Perfect Me
• Want to do everything by themselves; want help until they can do it by themselves
• When their principle fails, they question everything
  
• Failure layer: fear not being able to meet the standards
• Note: you might be in the success layer in one area and in the failure layer in another. (e.g. a woman who feels successful at work and a failure at being a mother)
• The goal is not to fail.
  
• Will tend to want to be in control (to avoid failing)
• Like routine
• Might procrastinate or use escapism to avoid failing at their tasks
• If have a lot of tasks, will tend to not want to be bothered
• Questions:
• What are your principles?
• Which kind of Perfect Me are you?
• Repent
• Repent for being the King who gives the Laws
• Repent for enforcing the Law for the sake of the Law
• Repent for judging (although need to discern)
• Repent for self-dependence
• Repent for pride: I’m right
• Repent for unbiblical principles
• Repent for favoring certain principles and ignoring others
  
• Strengths:
• Great teachers and disciplers
• Each has a different value, so we need different ones to build up the Kingdom of God
• Can often see their deficiencies, but miss their wickedness
• Could present the Gospel using their heart motives: why do you have these principles? God put them there to glorify Him
  

Love Me

• http://www.cfchome.org/resources/heart-motives-love-me-1
  
• Characteristics
  
• Want genuine, maximum quality love from a chosen few
• Want unconditional love
• Want it forever
• Want love with the right motive; must be genuine
• Want to be asked how they are doing because you are interested in it (so, followup questions, etc.)
• Kind of want you to be mind readers (because, if you really loved them you would spend the time to figure out what they really mean)
  
• Concentric circles of relationships: strangers, acquaintances, temporary chosen ones, lifetime friends, and The One (or maybe your children).
• Will use someone in an outer circle to get a better relationship with an inner circle.
• You can tell which circle a person is by how emotional you are about them: how much they can make you happy or hurt you.
• Always move towards the inner circles
• If the inner circles are not around, they will look outward (in which case they might look like a Like Me)
• Will be asking, “is this person going to be around in year,” etc.
• “Will this person love me?”
• You might not have anyone in your Chosen circle
  
• Test people: make sure that if I put you in the close circle you won’t hurt me, so I test you.
• Two types:
• Time: want you to want to spend time with me  (I want to be your primary source of joy during our time)
  
• Want to be glorified by who they are
• Who loves me? Those who want to spend time with me
• Want to be wanted
• Get jealous/hurt if their Chosen One appears to be getting enjoyment from someone/something else
• Tend to become the people their Chosen Ones enjoy being with
• Service: feel loved when they are needed
• Want to be glorified by what they do
• Somewhat a-typical of what people think a Love Me is.
• Want to be needed, indispensible, essential to their Chosen One
• Males: be superman, the provider, provide safety and security.
• These can often be confused for Respect Me (the difference is Love Me only wants this of people close to them)
  
• Can be showy about their strengths, so that their Chosen Ones can see that they are useful
• Get jealous/hurt if their Chosen Ones need someone else in their area of service
• Can become Love Me Time with people in the innermost circle, because you know they enjoy you for who you are, so service isn’t necessary to get that, although you still enjoy it
• Tend to become who their Chosen One need
• How they tell that they are receiving love
• The words you say (content, tone of voice), your facial epressions, your touch (affirming nod, affirming touch, etc.)
• A Love Me will tend to use one sense more, so one person might key off of tone of voice (how you said “Hi”), someone else might look at how you smile.
  
• Success layer:
• I am lovable, so love with all your heart, mind, and strength.
  
• Are active about getting the love they want
• Failure layer:
• Love me despite my flaws
• Fear of not being loved
• The layer can change; depends on whether you think you can get the love you want
• Who do they want to receive love from?
• Those who are “closer,” either emotionally or in importance
• Repent
• Sometimes we make God our Chosen One in a selfish way: we want God to love us to be filled
• Love Me Time can get bitter at God when they do not feel His Presence
• Love Me Service can get bitter at God when they feel useless
• Repent of favoritism with Chosen Ones
• Repent of motives: love their Chosen Ones so that they love you back (you can tell when you have this because you get hurt)
• Repent of not expanding (or of shrinking) your circles
  
• Questions:
• Whose opinions do I care about? (If it is people who are close, then you are probably a Love Me)

Like Me

• http://www.cfchome.org/resources/heart-motives-respect-me
  
• a.k.a. “Popularity” or “Notice Me”.
• Inner desire to be liked by others
• Adj: “wide”
• Characteristics:
• Target audience is everybody, so care about everybody’s opinion about them
• Direction is outward toward the widest circle of people.
• There are many people out there, I want them to know me and think positively of me
• Just as God is to be known throughout the world, so I want to be known.
• Don’t tend to judge people (the negative feelings inevitably come out, cause people to not feel positively to me)
• Really bothered by people who have a negative opinion
• Stereotypically they are relationally wide, but shallow
• Image is everything (because you looking at me might make you like me)
• Very attuned to how people are reacting (because it provides feedback on if you like me): hearing, touching, seeing
• Senses are very important, sometimes more important than reality, because whether I feel liked is determined by how you are reacting right now. So if you are expressing displeasure at the moment, even out of love, even if I know you love me, I don’t feel loved.
• Relationships
  
• A Like Me can say negative things if it will make people like them (e.g. if people expect the pastor to rebuke them for improvement, or put down someone in a group because then everyone else likes them)
• Struggle with shallowness, wearing masks, lying (making you look better to others)
  
• Tend to become who the collective Everyone wants them to be
• Once a Like Me knows that someone likes them, they tend to move on.
  
• Take criticism better when said with a smile or when sandwiched (they like me and are trying to help me)
• Leisure, entertainment:
• anything that spreads your name
• things where everyone is having fun
• tend to be competitive (because winners are liked), but want the other side to have fun (crushing them would diminish them liking me)
• Memories are generally about numbers of people or things that make you popular (or, for negative memories, embarrassments).
  
• How: time, service
  
• Senses:
• Will use words, touch, and visuals much more evenly than a Love Me.
  
• Success layer:
• Driven by a desire for one more person to like them; do whatever it takes
• Failure layer:
• Do whatever it takes to not be unliked
• Might not have an opinion (take the popular opinion)
• May daydream about being a martyr
  
• Repent
• Repent of showing favoritism to people who do not like me (either do not know me, or have a negative opinion of me)
• Repent of showing favoritism to popular people (they can spread my name abroad)
  
• Repent of people pleasing
• Learn to care deeply about people
• Accountability is especially important: a Like Me is driven by other peoples’ opinion, so use that to your advantage
• Important for Like Me’s to be around people in the body of Christ who will draw them towards God.
• Difficult to do things, e.g. quiet times, if people will not see them
  
• Relationship to God
• If a Like Me does not understand that God loves them, they might be a Perfect Me minor so that by being perfect, God would like them.
• If a Like Me does understand that God loves them, there is a tendency to ignore God.
• How do you tell a Like Me from a Love Me without Chosen Ones?
• Ask about their relationships, their memories; a Like Me is more emotional about the larger circles, a Love Me about the smaller circles
• How do you maintain a friendship with a Like Me?
• Like with any other heart motive: feed their heart motive

Respect Me

• Adj: “above”
• Characteristics
  
• Success layer:
• Competitive, want to be #1
• Unlike Perfect Me, whose competition is themselves, Respect Me’s
  
• Ok if people fear you
• Can blame others
• Most common negative emotion is anger
• Fear of failure layer:
• Driven by fear of being disrespected
• Bothered by disrespect (being left alone is ok)
• Want to be #2 (or #10, etc.); want as much respect as possible, but fear the failure of being #1
• Emotions
• Joy: I am happy because I am getting respect
• Anger: I am not getting what I want (respect)
• Depression: “No one respects me,” “I’m a loser,” “I’m not respectable”
• Worry: “What if people don’t respect me?” (upcoming performance, etc.; your name is on the line)
• Loneliness: “Where are my worshippers? They’re all gone!” Might escape to video games (king of the world) or sports.
• Frustrated: When your strategy for getting respect is not working
• Regret: Blew a chance to get respect
• Conflict: when you perceive they are not respecting you
• Relationships:
• Wants to surround themselves with worshippers, want to be above others
• In an Asian context, a female may be most respected if you are quiet, nice, gentle, a good cook; in which case, an Asian or Asian-American female might not want to be feared (because that is not respectable)
• Tone is very important: a negative tone makes them feel pushed under someone. (e.g. condescending tone, raised voice, challenging tone)
• Tend to think of areas of life as territories to conquer. (So don’t meddle or give suggestions to a Respect Me’s territory)
• Attraction/Lust
• Attracted to people who give them respect directly, or who by being associated with will give them more respect
• Memories: remember strongly success or rejection
• Food: don’t tend to like rebellious food
• Want to be powerfully used by God
• Repent