Larry Crabb begins the book by saying
that modern Christianity tends to suggest that enough obedience or
faith or prayer will bring a truly joyful life, usually thought to be
life without pain. When we inevitably find ourselves not being
joyful, we often ignore, cover, or soothe the problem because
Christians are supposed to be joyful. But if we take the problem
of a joyless life seriously we generally find little help in the
solutions, although it may take many years to discover that.
The common paths to a joyful life, obedience,
reliance on the Spirit, and working through the problems (usually with
counseling) all fail. Obedience, diligence, and intellectualism
produce discipline without love. Reliance on the Spirit fails to
address the deep problems inside. Counselling generally fails to
repent of deep sin.
People have three types of needs: casual needs (things which can
be satisfied without another person), critical needs (needs for
relationships), and crucial needs (the need for unconditional love and
for meaning in life that only God can satisfy). Ultimate
satisfaction comes only when all three types of needs are
fulfilled. We try to fulfill our needs from the outside in, that
is we satisfy our casual needs (nice house, good food), critical needs
(good friends), and crucial needs (God) in that order. However,
this is in reverse order of their importance to us. We are
designed to need God fundamentally and until that need is satisfied,
satisfaction of the other needs will produce an empty shell. We
need to seek God first, fellowship with others second, and our casual
needs third.
Seeking God involves first realizing our thirst then realizing it will
not go away. Our pain demands relief so immediately that often we
assuage it without examining why we feel the pain. So we need to
ask the hard questions (why did God allow this?) and explore how our
relationships have failed us. Feeling pain is not wrong, it is a
natural result of our desires being thwarted. But the pain will
not go away until we get to Heaven because this world is fundamentally
broken. Instead, we must let our pain drive us to God.
Next we must repent of our deep sin. This is not merely
violations of commands of God but violations of the command to love,
God and others. Our sin is self-protectiveness, the desire to get
rid of our pain. The method we employ takes many subtle forms,
avoidance of conflict, avoidance of close relationships with
intellectualism, etc., and may masquerade as something desireable
(getting along well with others, in the case of conflict
avoidance). Whatever our self-protectiveness is, it needs to be
repented of. Only then can we change deeply.
This change will not be quick, it will not be easy, and it will be a
process. Expect to have more pain initially, not less. Expect several stages. We begin by changing our conscious
direction, finding our sin, repenting, and recommitting to God. Then we must change our approach to relationships from trying to be
satisfied by them to loving others without expectation. Finally
we must change the direction of our being. We will need to be
shattered, to have the illusion that things are not too bad to be
broken. Things are bad, and only the hope of God will keep us
from despair. “When we realize that life can’t give us what we
want, we can better give up our foolish demand that it do so and get on
with the noble task of loving as we should.”
Crabb ends on a happier note by noting that change to a joyful, but
pain-filled, life is possible. The Bible consistently mentions
it, Crabb himself has experienced it, and he has seen others who have
been changed. And in the meantime, don’t wait for perfect motives
before loving others, ask the hard questions, and enjoy what is
enjoyable about life.
Crabb presents a picture of the Christian life that clearly explains
the fallacies of Christian clichés that conciously feel right
but intuitively feel wrong. He offers a well thought-out
discussion of the problem and solution with illustrations that not only
illustrate his points, but back them up as well. As the book
jacket says, his style is warm and personal, although I am not sure
that it will weather time as well as C.S. Lewis'. Unfortunately,
the book is not very clear on the first reading, requiring a second
reading before the structure, and therefore, the essence, of the book
can be understood. However, the content, once grasped, is
excellent and I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is
pondering their suspicions of disillusionment with life.
Review: 8.9
Although the content is excellent,
useful, and I would assert, necessary, I am not convinced that this
incarnation of it will last the 50 years necessary for a 9.0+
rating; the style seems to similar to books that I know will be
short-lived and the difficulty of discerning the underlying structure
will problem result in a better incarnation in the future. Although this last point should bring the value down, the content is
good enough that this is still a must read.
- Introduction
- modern Christianity often suggests that if we have enough
faith, obedience, prayer, etc. we will feel the joy that surpasses all
understanding enabling us to live a joyful life.
- This is wrong and will lead to a powerless life (as it
has led to a powerless church) of denial of reality.
- The fact is we are “entirely dependent on someone else for
satisfaction” and thoroughly corrupted by selfishness.
- We will always thirst for the relationship we were meant to
have until we regain it in Heaven.
- The process will be extremely painful, and the pain will
increase as we see more and more who we really are.
- Chapter 1: Real Change Requires an Inside Look
- Many people appear to have everything together, but we usually
don’t see troubles that lie underneath.
- Most of us occasionally become aware that something is wrong,
but we (often unconsciously) soothe it over.
- There are two types of Christians: “shallow copers” who
just try to et through their troubles and make life smooth again; “troubled reflectors” who realize that something is wrong and struggle
to make sense of their lives.
- It is the latter type of person that is most likely to truly
change—God changes us from the hard times, and the change required is
not a change of behavior but a change of who we really are.
- Chapter 2: An Inside Look can be Frustrating
- The church does not really seem to know how to take an inside
look, so it settles for “doing” various things—obedience, submission
to God, etc.
- People who do good
things (e.g. disciplined, hard working, hospitable) command respect and
make us feel slightly guilty that we don’t do things. People who
have great character (e.g.
loving, true generosity, concern) make us want to be different.
- Crabb asserts that behavioral problems (whether temper,
discipline, anxiety, sexual, etc.) “results ultimately from violations
of the command to love. If that’s true, then learning to love is
not only necessary for spiritual maturity, it’s central to overcoming
psychological problems.” (p. 43)
- Three common ways Christians advocate dealing with inner
problems:
- Obey - “do your Christian duties”: God’s power is
release when we obey Him.
- Failures: results in people who are disciplined but
have no love. Doesn’t encourage dealing with inner problems.
- Rely on the Holy Spirit: Ultimately we must let the
Holy Spirit change us, by submission or a spiritual experience or some
other means.
- Failures: fails to look inside
- Work through you problems: Deal with you past, usually
through counseling.
- Failures: “Change through counseling often involves working through problems rather
than repenting of deep sin. The message is that power comes through self-awareness and
psychological maturity [rather than the work of God in us]” (p. 49)
- Chapter 3: Knowing What to Look For
- We are thirsty for satisfying relationships but we try to find
that satisfaction without God’s help.
- So when we look inside we find “thirst for what we do not have
and ... wrong strategies for finding the life we desire.” (p. 54)
- People are terrified of fsully trusting God for our needs.
- Chapter 4: “If anyone is Thirsty...”
- It is natural for us to have desires. God created us to
have a purpose and to have fulfilling relationships. Since we do
not have these, we desire them.
- We cannot be happy in and of ourselves; we require
another — by God’s design.
- When these desires are ignored or thwarted we feel pain. This, too, is natural.
- We will long for what we were created for and hurt when we
don’t have it until we get to Heaven.
- Chapter 5: We’re Thirsty People
- Three kinds of longings: casual longings (things which do
not require another person to fulfill), critical longings (longings for
deep relationships with others), crucial longings (that what only God
can provide: unconditional love and meaning in life)
- We tend to think that the path to God goes: 1)
material and physical pleasures, 2) added joy of relationships, 3)
total satisfaction at some point now and forever
- Instead the path is: 1) the rewarding pursuit of God, 2)
fellowship with God and others, the latter imperfect at best, 3) total
satisfaction not until Heaven, but then forever.
- God does not promise to satisfy our critical or casual
longings, only our crucial ones. And even those we will long for
a more full fulfillment until we get to Heaven.
- Satisfaction of our crucial longings does not dull the pain of
having casual or critical longings unmet.
- It is our nature to depend on everything except God to fulfill our crucial
longings.
- Chapter 6: Becoming Aware of Our Thirst
- We need to feel our pain because
- “Freedom from compulsive sin requires an awareness of deep
thirst”. If we aren’t conscious of our thirst, we are likely to
fall into addictions that briefly appear to satisfy that thirst.
- “Sin will be understood superficially—and therefore dealt
with ineffectively—without an awareness of deep thirst.” If we
manage to steer clear of compulsive sin, we will be intellectual and
cold. We will commit the sin of self-protectiveness or
self-seeking, wherein our relationships with others are more about what
they can do for us than what we can do for them.
- “Without an awareness of deep thirst, our pursuit of God will
be disciplined at best. With it, our pursuit can be passionate.”
- Our pain demands relief (immediately) yet is should drive us to
God, who is able to actually satisfy our needs. But the problem
is that we need to admit our pain and admit that it will not go away
this side of Heaven.
- How to face our thirst:
- “Ask the tough questions that produce confusion” (Why
did God do this or allow that? What did something bad happen as a
result of following Him?)
- “Explore the imperfections of key relationships until you
experience deep disappointment” (How have they failed to love
like I wanted them to?)
- “Study your own approach to relationships with an openness to
developing conviction”
- Chapter 7: Looking in All the Wrong Places
- two types of sin: violating clear commands of God, subtly
violating the command to love
- things like youth rallys, etc. tend to address the
first. But the second is the key change.
- our sin is usually self-protectiveness is relationships. This is protecting ourself from the possibility that our deepest fear
in relationships might be realized.
- we can be diligent, obedient, disciplined without God. But we can only give others the opportunity ( by not protecting
ourselves) to hurt us by trusting in God’s love.
- examples:
- a pastor who is adept a leading discussions might be trying
to avoid conflict (perhaps his father didn’t tolerate it)
- Mary, who was diligent in ministry and devotions but avoided
close relationships by maneuvering conversation to an intellectual
level (yeah, I’ve thought about that—what ideas do you have?)
Her father taught devotion to God but wouldn’t let her relax in his
love, so she learned not to love.
- Frank, who was excellent at coming up with solutions to
problems and used it to avoid problems that were out of his control
(told his anorexic daugther to eat but didn’t talk about her
insecurity). Perhaps he fears he is inadequate.
- Chapter 8: The Problem of Demandingness
- usually Christians who sincerely want to change are told two
options: “Find help as you honestly explore the pain in your heart, or assume
responsibility for straightening out the sin in your behavior, ... Neither
one helps us penetrate into the sin
in our heart that must be addressed if we are to change from the
inside out.” (p. 132)
- The sin in our heart is our demands
for relief. (We demand, of course, because we are trying to
fulfill ourselves and failing)
- When God doesn’t seem to be listening, we are probably
demanding something from Him.
- Continued pain and frustration tends to develop
demandingness. Perhaps this is partly because our early trust
might have been a hope that God would fix the problem soon. Eventually we become convinced that a proper ordering of the Universe
would provide for our need. Now we are accusing God of misrunning
the Universe.
- God wants to remove our demandingness. “The necessary
foundation for any relationship with God is a recognition that God is
God and we are not. We therefore have no business demanding
anything from anyone, no matter how fervently our soul longs for relief
from pain. ... Desire much, pray for much, but demand
nothing. To trust God means to demand nothing.” (p. 149)
- Chapter 9: Exposing Wrong Directions
- We need to expose the sin in our heart if we are to change
deeply.
- We need to let the Spirit of God search us and show us the sin
in our heart, both when we have been wronged by another (“oh my
possible sin in response to his outright sin is not that bad.” It
is.) or when times are good and we are tempted to be complacent.
- Studying the Word for knowledge and
truth—intellectually—actually distances us from people
- We need to come to the Bible asking to learn about God and
ourselves so that we may love better.
- We need to build relationships in which we daily seek to help
them to love better. Sometimes this will involve pointing out our
friends’ self-protective styles of relating. Sometimes we will be
on the receiving end and need to be receptive.
- Chapter 10
- Chapter 11: The Power of the Gospel
- If we expect change to mean an easing or lessening of our pain
(like a “more peaceful feeling during terrible troubles”) we will be
disappointed.
- Instead, we need to stop demanding that our pain be relieved
and repent of our self-protective pain-relieving relational styles (in
whatever specific way is relevant)
- Chapter 12: What it Takes to Deeply Change
- “Change in the Christian life is progressive. We move
from change in our conscious direction to change in our approach to
relationships to change in the direction of our very being.”
- Change in conscious direction:
- We become aware of our sin, repent, and dedicate our life to
the LORD. Mostly just awareness of a few truths and obedience.
- Change in our approach to relationships
- Until we look to see how we have been disappointed, we cannot
see the ways that we are determined not to be disappointed like that
again, and we will not see and cannot change how we relate to others
not out of love for them, but selfishly determined to find that which
is missing.
- Change in the direction of our being
- The fall affected us as men and women. Men feel
inadequate to enter the world strongly and women feel afraid to be
vulnerable and to be entered.
- “If we honestly face the sadness of living life in a fallen
world, then only our hope in Christ can preserve us from insanity or
suicide.”
- If we think that life is not too bad, then Christ delivers
us from something not too terrible and Heaven is only a little bit
better.
- “Most of us have never been staggered. Christians
cooperate with non-Christians to preserve the appearance that things
aren’t really too bad, and in a sense, that’s true. Marriages are
sometimes rich, people can be extraordinarily kind and helpful,
teenagers are often cooperative and reliable, jobs are sometimes
meaningful and rewarding. But none of these good things about
life can touch our soul with the satisfaction we desire. Until we
grasp how deeply we long for what we do not have, our enjoyment of
life’s pleasures is defensive. We will depend on them to obscure
the emptiness of our soul. To the degree we keenly feel the
painful disappointment of unsatisfied longings, we’re able to ask no
more of life’s pleasures than they’re capable of providing. And
then we can enjoy them realistically as legitimate tastes from the
banquet table God will one day spread before us.
The illusion that life in a fallen world is really not too bad
must be shattered. When even the best parts of life are exposed
as pathetic counterfeits of how things should be, the reality drives us
to a level of distress that threatens to utterly undo us. But it
is when we’re on the brink of personal collapse that we’re able to
shift the direction of our soul from self-protection to trusting
love. The more deeply we enter into the reality that life without
God is sheer desolation, the more fully we can turn toward Him.
...
When we realize life can’t give us what we want, we can
better give up our foolish demand that it do so and get on with the
noble task of loving as we should.” (p. 214)
- Epilogue
- The Bible consistently says that is possible to know God
deeply. Dr. Crabb has experienced the Holy Spirit bringing him
there and has seen it in others. There is a path to knowing God.
- “The realization that every moment consists of a moral choice
to look after ourself or put others first is staggering. Many of
us never wrestle with morality at that level. We prefer to talk
warmly of esteeming others above ourself while carefully avoiding the
self-awareness that would convict us about our failure to do it.
- Don’t let the confusion of life distract you of confidence in
the truths of Christianity (God loves us, Christ died for us, He will
come back for us)
- Don’t let disappointment prevent you from enjoying what is
enjoyable.
- Don’t wait for pure motives to be nice to people.